Wine BLAHging with Carlito Caz'zate - Celine

Roberto has allowed me to write on his wine blog. I’ve been way too busy and important to keep up with one on my own so here it goes.


My ex-girlfriend is pregnant. It’s definitely not mine because when she rebounded after she rebounded from me with me, I made sure, hey, everything was taken care of. And if Marco is reading this, good, because he should know how to take care of a woman. You spend too much time living with your mother, you crazy mook, you deserve it. Move out and get a job, Celine deserves better.

But yeah, she’s pregnant.

I was reading the other day while I was at work (Café Amaretto in Niagara Falls, come in for the lasagna sandwich, it’s so good and great with our Donizetti Chianti 1925) that women can still drink a bit of alcohol when they’re with child. Now, I’m not saying you should get your wife or girlfriend liquored up when she’s got a bean in the soon-to-be-bread basket, just watch it. Okay.
A half a glass of wine is not going to hurt. Half a glass.

Truth is, Celine drank a whole bottle when I tried to break up with her again (third time now… I know…I know).

It was a nice evening. I just came back from an Italian wine tasting in Toronto. I stole some sample bottles from the Frescobaldi table when the agent wasn’t looking. I felt bad, she was kinda cute but hey, they owed me those Frescos when they fired my grandfather after he fell into one of their fermentation vats way back in the 1950s. Claimed he was drinking too hard but no, I believe my Nonno - he was drunk after he got out.

So Celine and I got to talking. I had enough wine to say, listen, go back to Marco, I’m not the one for you (by the way, this wasn’t the rebound night but there was a little smoochy).

She started to cry. She yelled at me and before I knew it, she drank an entire bottle of Brunello di Montalcino. What a bitch. She was like hey, Carlito, you think you’re better than me (I am) and you don’t think I know that. I said hey, Celine, no, I love you but I love us being apart, as friends. Help me out…

She got really nasty, threw the bottle at my head. I still got the bump. I wanted to hurt her, I was so close, biting my lips, clenching my fist but I had to hold back, I wasn’t going to be like my dad. No way. If I’m going to love someone, I’m going to do it right and they’ll have to do me right by not drinking a whole Brunello without me. The nerve of that woman.

So I was the better man. I took my keys, my stolen bottle (I still have the 2003 Castelgiocondo so I can’t complain) and headed out the door. I had been drinking so I forgot my shoes. That was okay, Celine threw them at me in the front yard.

I got in the car and I almost started to cry, I felt so bad. My head ached, I didn’t know if I could get home. I knew my mom would kill me if she found out I had drunk and drove. But I couldn’t stay at Celine’s.

I put the car in reverse, looked out the back window when ‘wham’ she had jumped on the hood.
“Hey, what are you doing!?”
“Take me back!”
“Go back inside, you’ve had too much to drink!”
“Carlito, I’m pregnant!”
“No, you’re not!”
“Yes, I am!”
“It’s not mine.”
“Maybe it is.”
“I know it isn’t! I’m always safe.”
“You’re right,” she cried, shaking her head, “It’s Marco’s. I’m sorry.”
“Why would I want to raise Marco’s kid? That mook!”
“Stay with me, hold me!”
“No. Go back to Marco, his mom’s a good cook. You can live in his basement.”
“I knew it. You don’ love me.”
“I do. I’d love you to get off the hood so’s I can go. My head hurts and you’re crazy. Now get off the car.”
“No, no…”
“Get off, Celine! What’s the matter! You going to have a kid so why would I want to be with a woman that drinks when she’s pregnant?”

She said some nasty things I don’t think I can write here so use your imagination.
She cried and cried. I smacked the wheel.

“Get off, for the last time, get off, go to sleep. Go!”
“No, no, I love you Carlito!”

Yeah, so I did what any guy would do: I drove off. She hung on for about four blocks. She started to get tired just as I slowed down on Lundy’s Lane then got off. Thank god it was near Mick and Angelo. They got good food there. I know the bartender and called him on my cell as soon as I saw Celine walking towards the place.

Yeah, I know. I know what you’re thinking. It’s good thing I got the Castelgiocondo. I thought I’d save it for a special occasion. I’m drinking it right now. Here’s to you Celine. Remember, if you’re going to drink, half a glass. Maybe her kid might turn all right. But if Marco’s the father, nah.